The Cure for Anything

I had two very different conversations about children this weekend.  Both conversations were with men, and both men had children who are young adults.  It’s amazing to me to see the various ways people react to their children growing up.

One thing I hear about is fear.  Not just fear for their child who is going out into the world, but fear for themselves.  People are afraid of feeling old, of being alone, or worst of all, being left alone with their spouse.  A lot of the “empty nest syndrome” comes from the panic that arises when you realize you actually have to deal with your husband/wife without the distraction of your children living in your home.  Using your kids as a smoke screen is unfair to them, your spouse, and to you.  Whether we know it or not, we are constantly teaching our children how to live and how to conduct ourselves in relationships.  They’re like little sponges, soaking up and internalizing all that they hear and see.  Or don’t hear and see, as the case may be.

As parents, it’s our job to teach our children.  Not just how to tie their shoes, or how to read, but how to be functional adults, both physically and emotionally.  Disciplining our children is not about punishment.  The Latin root of discipline is discipulus which means teaching or learning.  If we give our children a good foundation to build upon, they’ll be okay.  Yes, they are going to make mistakes.  That is a part of learning that has to be done on their own.  We can’t teach them that, nor should we protect them from it.  It’s a part of life.

Everyone knows a “momma’s boy” or two.  You know the kind, still living at home at 27.  Daddy pays all of his bills and mommy still packs his lunch for him.  These men make poor husbands, fathers, and businessmen because they cannot think for themselves or make a decision to save their life.

My parents had the very best intentions, but I grew up incredibly sheltered, naive, and overprotected.  When I went out into the world at age 18, I’m surprised it didn’t eat me alive.  It nearly did.  I had no clue whatsoever.  Hell, I had no idea how to call to make my own doctor’s appointment or how to even cut my own meat (no, I’m not kidding.)  When you’re thrown out into the water, you have two choices: sink or swim.  Luckily for me, I’m a fast learner.  I chose to swim.  I was very mindful not to make that mistake with my son.

The challenge I faced as my son became an adult was one of identity.  I had spent so many years of my life pouring everything into being his mom, I wasn’t sure who else I was anymore.  As a single mom with a pretty-much absent father, all of my time and energy was put into my son.   I think I wanted to make up for the fact that his dad wasn’t the greatest by making everything else the best that I could.  I worked full time, drove my son to and from private school,  had a homemade dinner on the table every night, spent hours helping with homework, and still made time to go to the park or jump on the trampoline together.  Looking back, I don’t know how I did it.  But I’m so glad I did.  Being blessed with my son is the greatest joy of my life.

I’ve spent the past few years shifting into a different gear, seeing who I am again.  I’m loving it.  Having the time to be quiet and introspective has been invaluable to me.  It’s brought a pervasive feeling of peace and contentment.  I don’t feel as if I am constantly having to do something; I can just be.

One of my favorite Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young songs (with Jerry Garcia on the steel guitar) Circa 1970 — such a very good year!  😉